A Routine Post

 

A few months back while waiting for some potential employment opportunities to come to fruition, I got it in my head that I would go to Atlanta and perform comedy at an open-mic night.

Two things immediately derailed that. Yes, of course the pandemic was one of them. The second---and probably more important---I don’t think I would have had the nerve to go through with it. I’ve had the opportunity to speak in front of people previously and my perspiration made Albert Brooks’ flop sweat in “Broadcast News” look like a teardrop.

I had a few areas in which to explore. Here’s a few samples of how I planned to cover a terror-filled three minutes.

I’m 53. Lately I’ve been finding out that what my mother always says---“aging is not for wimps”---is true. I’m at the age when I don’t necessarily make friends as much as gathering a team of doctors with “ologist” at the end of their names.

Not too long ago I was having some pain and went to the doctor and 'Doc, it hurts when I go like this' and she says (audience member says-‘don’t go like this’) NO, she says I have a Frozen shoulder. Does Disney own everything these days?

 So, the next day I’m bending over to pick up a piece of toast and my back goes out---I mean you can literally hear the crack. I’m trying to crawl to the couch and it’s scaring the hell out of my 2-year-old and 6-year-old. Now I know what you’re saying to yourselves---this guy looks too old to have kids that young. And one of the questions I get the most is ‘Are they your grandchildren?’ I’m vain and I’ll admit that used to bother me at first, after all I put in a lot of work to get this awesome dad bod. Still works but this was 25-pounds heavier

Having kids is great. When we go to McDonald’s PlayPlace I certainly don’t get stared at like I used to.Too Louis C.K.? It’s a little tiring though. The bags under my eyes have grown so big it looks like my face is going to thunderstorm.

We came to Georgia from Okinawa 10 years ago, and as a sports guy I was excited to be moving to the Augusta area. There’s this big event that happens every year---anyone here ever been?  Wow-I didn’t know Fist Fest was that popular. No judgement here!

And then of course there’s the Masters. During the week there’s a fleet of nondescript white panel vans that transport workers to the course and back. I haven’t seen that many since Kidnap Con.

I’m also something of a trendsetter. Back in 2001, I lived in Maryland and met my wife through the personal ads on Washington Post.com. You still have to eventually meet face-to-face and I thought I blew it at that point. My friend Eric and I had been to a U2 concert the week before, and I leaned in real close to tell her about the show. I said I was so excited I got a Bono. She and her friends got up to go to “the bathroom” and I thought that was it, but she came back and things have worked out the past 19 years.

Thanks for the read. Dying on paper is sure a lot easier than dying on stage!