Stone Kohl'd

 In the last two months I’ve learned a lot about retail while working at Kohl’s. For example: Where does a bra go when it comes off the truck? On a rack.

I’ve told my coworkers other retail-related jokes, but I kept that one to myself lest an HR investigation ensue.

Like other industries it has a language all to itself, from a U-boat and a Zebra to picking and packing. I’ve had a hand in most aspects of the operation except for, thankfully, working the cash register. That would be absolutely too much customer interaction. 

For years I’ve thought Christmas displays being put out before Thanksgiving was sacrilege. Now I understand just because of the sheer volume of seasonal products, waiting until after turkey day would be much too late. This week has seen an uptick in in-store sales. That would be because last weekend marked the end of days people could order online and get packages before Christmas.

The big push for getting packages shipped came during Thanksgiving week and the week after. I worked the 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. shift. It’s been at least 30 years since I last pulled that watch. It had advantages and disadvantages. The biggest advantage was there were no other people in the store, the including upper management. Sad to say the handful of us that were there were professional and no sophomoric hijinks occurred.

One disadvantage was getting the body clock turned around and trying some rest during the day. After a few days in a row, however, sleeping upon returning home was not an issue. While I’m filled with as much Christmas cheer as the average person, the biggest disadvantage was going two weeks hearing the same Christmas soundtrack (played on a loop) for eight hours. I’ve had fantasies about jumping up and ripping out the store’s speakers. 

And I’ve learned a lot about Kohl’s products, for instance: What Olympic event do pots and pans compete in? De Caphalon. That received a tepid reception and I was told to get back to work.

The employee discount has been nice as well and Melanie’s Christmas presents are mainly from Kohl’s. I set to improve things in our master suite as I was told that everything in bedding was on sale, but it was just a sham.